Some thoughts on having female friends in relationships.
So, I solicited ideas on the Love From The Brain Facebook page and I got an email from a guy asking me how he should handle his new relationship and her dislike of his having female friends. Well, sir, I am your Huckleberry.
I have many female friends. Maybe because I get along well with women. Maybe because I attended a college where we were out numbered by women something crazy like ten to one. Maybe my Pseudo Best Friend Forever is right and I am a single white female trapped in a black man’s body. Whatever the case, I have plenty of female friends and I would be glad to share some thoughts on having female friends in relationships.
When it comes to female friends, your significant other wants to know five things:
Did you date her?
Have you slept with her?
Would you date her?
Would you sleep with her?
Does she know about me?
The answers to these questions should be No, No, No, No and Yes in that order. If they are, you’re good. If they are not, you have a problem.
The way I see it there are four types of friendships between a man and a woman.
1 – He has intimacy tension, She has intimacy tension
2 – He has intimacy tension, She doesn’t have intimacy tension
3 – He doesn’t have intimacy tension, She has intimacy tension
4 – He doesn’t have intimacy tension, She doesn’t have intimacy tension.
For a guy in a relationship, the only safe friendship with a woman is Number 4.
As a single guy it’s cool to be friends where tension exist because the worst thing that could happen is you guys get intimate and ruin the friendship. LOL. But seriously, tension is cool when you’re single. Not so much when you’re dating. So, while I believe that one should be allowed to keep their friends when they are dating, I also suggest creating distance between yourself and friends where intimacy tension exists. The only hiccup is if the friendship is Number 2, because now you must explain to your friend that you are distancing yourself because you have intimacy tension. Have fun with that.
If you want to maintain your opposite sex tension free friendships while in a relationship, place your focus on your friends. The thing to do is to be honest about your relationship with your friends. Meaning, if you are serious about this woman, tell your friends you are serious. Remember these are women you are talking to and unless they are complete skanks, they will most likely treat you the way they would want their man’s female friends to act. Girl Code is real. For example, when I was single, my female friends called and text any time they wanted, day or night. Once I got into a relationship, and made it clear that this was serious, they began to call and text at time they deemed were respectable hours of the day.
If these women are indeed your friends, they will support your relationship like anyone else who cares about you. In fact, they may even befriend your new lady. The best thing about having female friends when in a relationship is that they know you and can often times keep you from doing that thing you do that could eff up your relationship. My female friends save me at least once a week.
The worst thing you can do is focus your energies on trying to sell your friendships to your significant other. If you down play the relationships, like “she’s just a buddy, no one special” you create the question, “then why is she still around?” And you diss your homegirl that has probably been your friend through a bunch of failed relationships. On the contrary, if you overemphasize the relationship with your female friends, you run the risk of nursing an insecurity in your significant other. Besides, no woman wants to hear about how important another woman is to her man.
I doubt your lady is as anti-female friend as you think. She’s probably more guys-ain’t-sh!t and your female friends aren’t helping squash that feeling. That is her issue, not yours. Your honest tension free friendships shouldn’t have to suffer because your new lady has trust issues. The good thing about trust is that it grows stronger with time. Stay consistent, open and honest and in due time her trust will hardened and everything will be okay.
In the meantime, balance your relationship and your friendships. Be respectful of her feelings. Behave like a man in a relationship at all times. And when in doubt, choose happy over right.
Remember. No always. No never.