1. “Ooooh, where’d you get your perm?”
This incredible new salon called THE WOMB, THE DNA POOL, MY GENETIC DISPOSITION.
2. “How do you have sooooo much hair?”
I bought it on e-Bay. HOW DO YOU THINK, DUMBASS.
3. “Wouldn’t your life be sooo much easier if you fixed it?”
“Fixed” it? “FIXED” IT? Have you considered FIXING your blatant disregard for how your words impact other people? *Angry Emoji*
4. “Have you tried combing it out?”
Yes, for the first 17 years of my life. Then I decided that I didn’t want to resemble a hedgehog every day anymore.
5. “Aren’t there products you can use to make it less… You know?”
Do you know of any products that can retroactively change my genetic make-up? No? Well then, let’s spend our free time working on changing your assumptions about my hair and my choices.
6. “Have you thought about getting bangs?”
Yes, it was a dark phase in my life and we will never speak of it again AND NO THERE ARE NO PICTURES PLEASE DON’T LOOK THROUGH MY FACEBOOK.
7. “Why do you wear it so big?”
The real question is: Why is your mind so small? #deep
8. “OMG how is your hair LITERALLY eeeeverywhere?” -Everyone you date/live with.
As Marilyn Monroe famously said*: If you can’t deal with my hairballs, you don’t deserve me at my best.
*This is unconfirmed and entirely made up BUT STILL TRUE.
9. “Does it take FOREVER to straighten?”
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: YEEEEES.
10. “How do you manage with so much frizz?”
It’s a secret recipe that’s been passed down through several generations of my family. One part patience, two parts fabulousness, ten parts IGNORING IDIOTS LIKE YOU.
11. “Has your hair always been like this?”
Yes, I didn’t just get hit by lightning one day and come out of it looking deranged. Please peruse my #ThrowbackThursdays at risk of your own sanity.
12. “Why’re you freaking out? It’s just a little rain!”
“Just a little rain” to you is “involuntary makeover to look like Hagrid for the rest of the day” to me.
13. “Why do you need so long to get ready?”
Don’t think of it as just getting ready. Think of it as attempting to look presentable and graceful while defying gravity and most laws of nature.
14. “You showered twenty minutes ago, what’re you still doing in there?” -Your roommate
TAMING A FRICKIN BEAST.
15. “Why do you need all these products? What do they even do?”
Keep me looking at least SOMEwhat like a functional human being.
16. “Didn’t you JUST buy conditioner?”
Think of conditioner like sex, OK? Everyone needs different amounts and YOU DON’T JUST GO AROUND ASKING PEOPLE WHY.
17. “Wait, you don’t own a hairbrush?”
No, I don’t make a habit of buying expensive things just to break them using my body.
18. “Then… What do you use to brush your hair?”
Luck, practice, sheer perseverance.
19. “Do you curl it every morning before you leave home?”
No, I kinda just… Accept my fate. Do you shed IQ points and practice being pesky every morning before you leave home?
20. “How do I get mine to do that?”
21. “If I put something in your hair, would it just stay there all day?”
As proven by my middle school bullies and tormentors, yes. Please, by all means use my head as a storage space for your knick-knacks. No matter that you’re triggering years of adolescent insecurity and self-consciousness. NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL. *Bursts into tears*
22. “Can I touch it?”
Only if I can touch your face after. In slap form.
23. “Can I pull on the curls?”
Depends. How much do you value the longevity of this friendship?
24. “Can I play with it?”
Listen to Queen Bey ^
25. “Is it big because it’s full of secrets?”
Fuck you, Regina George.
26. “Why don’t you just get it straightened?”
And stop being so god damn fabulous? Nah, I’ll pass 🙂