Have you ever been left wondering why men disappear. He vanished just like Houdini. Gone without a trace. Perhaps he was coming on strong and calling or texting you everyday and then the contact slowed down or stopped all together. You thought you were headed for a great relationship and then find yourself alone again wondering why he disappeared, missing in action. The disappointment is tough to swallow, no doubt.
This lens is about understanding men, why they do what they do and not only why he disappeared, but what also makes them stay. Men really aren’t commitment phobics and most of them do want the same thing that you do. They want a loving woman that gets them, accepts them, and makes them feel good. Men fall in love with how we make them feel.
Not all men though are the right man for you.I have seen many a woman fall for a man that wasn’t good for her, but couldn’t bring herself to leave because “she loves him”. If you are with a man and are always questioning where you stand, chances are you have the wrong man. A man that loves you would not dream of leaving you guessing. You will not be left wondering why men disappear again. Please read on.
Does He Want a Relationship
One good rule to live by when you are dating is that not every guy wants a relationship or is looking for a relationship with you. You avoid a lot of heart ache down the road by accepting this. Also not every man is the right man for you. If he disappears on you, instead of being hurt and wounded, wondering why he disappeared, you might want to consider that a man that does this would not make a good partner to start with.
Often the excuse we women hear from men is that he doesn’t want a relationship or he isn’t ready for a relationship. Where does this leave you and what can you do about it? First thing to do is to believe him. Trying to convince him that a relationship with you is meant to be or is for the best just won’t work. If a guy says this from the start, it’s him preparing his exit ahead of time in case he needs it. If he says it after you have been dating for a while, you can be it means he isn’t sure he wants a relationship with you.
Sure you can stick around and hope he changes his mind, but understand if you do this, you are taking a huge risk. You may get more and more attached, fall in love and end up left behind. Is this a chance you are willing to take? If you really do want a relationship, you may be wasting a lot of time because somewhere out there is a guy who will want an exclusive relationship with you.
If you do choose to stay, please date other people. Chances are good if he says he does not want a relationship, he is keeping his options open and if he isn’t dating others, it the opportunity comes up, he will. In other words, don’t invest your all into someone who isn’t investing their all.
Personally, if a relationship is what I wanted and he told me he did not, I would cut him loose. I would tell him I respect that and understand that, but that I did want more. I would explain to him that if I stuck around, it wouldn’t be doing myself any favors because I deserve and want more. I would tell him that investing time into him would be a bit like wasting mine. I would wish him well and say good bye.
In other words, I would put my heart first. Funny thing happens sometimes when you do this. He gains respect for you for not settling for his crumbs and I have known a time or two when this actually ended up turning a man from ‘I am not looking for a relationship”, to “I want a relationship with you after all”.
Why Guys Disappear After Sex
It’s pretty common for guys to disappear after sex. I hear it a lot. There are a number of reasons for this, but mainly it boils down to really not having much to do with the fact that he just had sex with you. Of course there are guys out there that are only looking to score, but it’s up to you to learn to distinguish the difference.
Guys can tell why you have sex with them. If you are doing it just to please him, he senses it. This spells desperation to him. A guy would rather you have sex because you wanted to. Otherwise he feels as if it’s some ploy to trap him. Often women start putting off the vibe that they think they are now in a relationship. Sex does not equal a relationship.
If the truth be told, he was probably going to disappear if you slept with him or not. Many are under the belief that guys see them as easy when they sleep with them to soon. There may be some truth to this, but if the guy is into you to start with, it’s not going to matter. Where women screw up with this is that once they sleep with a guy, they are ready to now invest their hearts. This is where the easy comes into play in reality. A man likes to work for your heart. If you give it away quickly, he doesn’t see it’s value. He thinks he isn’t anything special. Men don’t usually bond with first time sex. They bond through sex after they have already attached to the woman, not before.
If a guy disappears after you have had sex, it’s one of two things
1. He wasn’t that into you in the first place. It’s really no one to blame here. We can’t help who we are or aren’t into. I imagine you too have felt like disappearing on a guy after you had sex. Maybe you did it in a moment of weakness and you really didn’t like the guy. Maybe you were drunk, who knows, but it happens. We all do it or have done it. That is one reason why he disappeared.
2. The second reason is how you behave afterwards. If you start acting like a girlfriend before he has made that move, it’s a turn off. If you got all emotional, well you made him feel guilty. Guilt and sex don’t go together. If you expect it to mean something special to him, he will sense it. Most men don’t see sex as something special, at least not in the early dating stage.
Then of course there is the chance that you aren’t that great in bed. If you were more focused on pleasing him and not focused on allowing him to please you, this is not good. Men feel good when they make you feel good. Picture Tarzan beating his chest and you will get the idea.
What Makes Men Not Disappear
What men really need, especially in the beginning is to feel safe. Feeling safe for a man if far different that feeling safe for a woman. It’s very important that you understand what makes a woman feel safe isn’t what makes him feel safe. In order to understand what makes a man feel safe and what he needs, you need to understand one of his biggest fears.
One of man’s biggest fears is the loss of his freedom or to have his freedom threatened. Women do this in ways they don’t even realize. A woman often starts reading too much too fast or over thinking way too soon. A few dates and she is already setting up her expectations. Recently a woman contacted me and had been on one date. The guy then went on a 3 day business trip and did not contact her. Oh Horror!
Here is what happened when he returned. She gave him the guilt trip. She asked him why didn’t he contact and expressed her disappointment. Really that soon. How could this man possibly begin to feel safe with this woman? Needless to say, he didn’t contact her again. She was left wondering why men disappear yet again.
If you start out full of emotions and expectations, he won’t feel safe to open up to you because he will fear your emotions. Men really don’t do so well with out emotions. This also tells him that there is more to come and begins imagining having to ask permission or work really hard to make you happy. This scares him and he begins to feel that freedom threatened.
Freedom to live his life without having to worry about you being upset or unhappy. This is what makes men not feel safe. If you want to make him feel safe, don’t focus or bring attention to the things he doesn’t do that you think he should and don’t criticize what he does do. This is the fastest way to make sure he disappears.
Be happy and fun to be with and don’t project into the future too fast, let him get comfortable, for when a man feels safe, he will give you the world and he won’t disappear.